Why You Should Not Have Sex With Him

 Faye Dunaway & Steve McQueen, "The Thomas Crown Affair" (1968)

Faye Dunaway & Steve McQueen, "The Thomas Crown Affair" (1968)

Ladies, hear 83-year-old feisty relationship expert Pat Allen: No sex without commitment! 

Women who are interested in a longterm relationship must signal men before sex that they are moving toward that, or too often the women will be hurt and time will be wasted. 

Most liberated, sexually active women believe they can maintain control over their emotions after sex. What they may not realize is that casual, non-committed sex for many woman can trigger a bonding that verges on physical addiction. This is due to a sexually stimulated hormone called oxytocin

Oxytocin is a pleasurable, bonding hormone released when you are on your way to orgasm, and when you orgasm. It increases the feelings of love, well-being, peace, affection, nurturing, security and attachment and causes humans to want to stay together and organize as family units. Since it is released in a man's semen, it literally is the glue of the family structure. 

Men and women both have oxytocin, but women have much more and it affects them differently. A woman will bond to her man after one instance of good sex. A man may feel bonded too, but he can easily go off and bond with other women as well.

Women get attached to the man's smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. If you keep contact with these things, you can stay bonded to a man for a year or longer, from one sexual encounter, as long as you keep getting a fix, even if it is only via his voice.

Other brain chemicals also play cupid during this time. Whether you like it or not, neurotransmitters are highly involved in your sex life and your romantic passion is largely a function of your own endocrinology. When you're thinking about him to the point of obsession, you're soaked in a cocktail of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine more potent than a martini and similar to the chemical combo found in obsessive-compulsive disorder. A jigger full of dopamine gives you the same high as that from alcohol or drugs. 

So what is building is a chemical connection with the emotional g-force of an atomic bomb. The chemical portion alone is enough to super glue you to this guy. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and and Chemistry of Romantic Love, "These are truly intense and insane attachments that produce a crazy energy drive, emotional elation, mood swings, emotional craving, separation anxiety, childlike possessiveness and total madness."

All of this can set women up for heartache. You think that if you're easy-going, cool, not needy, that the guy will want to be with you. However, giving yourself to a man too early, if what you want is a monogamous, committed, sexual relationship, could leave you longing for a man who can't give you what you want. 

To alleviate this epidemic, try drawing a line and NOT having sex with men unless you have a commitment. This commitment is for continuity, longevity and monogamy. You want to know that he has time to spend with you, intends to be here for an extended time, and will only sleep with you.


Getting to I Do by Dr. Pat Allen

Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Dr. Helen Fisher

Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown