Attachment & Intimacy
When I got into Buddhism in my late 30s, it helped me let go of what I thought I needed in order to be happy (mostly marriage, kids).
Detachment was liberating. My controlling, perfectionistic habits loosened as I became more comfortable with unknown outcomes. Whatever happened, I was okay.
Are there outcomes in your life that would be liberating to detach from?
Buddhism, and detaching from socio-cultural expectations, also helped me avoid loneliness. Turns out meditation and a sense of oneness with the ‘universe’ fills many voids.
But, I recognized how detachment was actually playing into my avoidant relationship style. For me, the growth is about learning to tolerate the intimacy that attachment demands.
What about you?
As Alexandra Katehakis suggests, "Examine how much you seek love and adoration. Then consider whether receiving that kind of attention actually brings you relief or annoyance."
Of What Are You Unconscious?
A question you may not be able to answer: Of what are you unconscious?
No one wakes up in the morning and says, "I think I will repeat my mistakes today."
But, frequently, this repetition of history is exactly what we do because we are unaware of our silent programming and the core ideas we have acquired and surrendered to.
Play with it - what unconscious forces may be affecting you?
Do You Have to Have Labels in Your Relationship?
"She loves me, she loves me not," American children sing as they pluck petals off flowers.
How many more shades of gray are allowed in France, where children recite, "She loves me a little, a lot, passionately, madly, or not at all."
"We Americans do not like ambiguity. We need to know where things are going; we do not like not knowing. Because rather than setting things in motion, we prefer to set things in stone with clear objectives, goals, and outcomes.
Is he my soulmate or my future husband? Does he love me or does he love me not?
We gag the life out of experiences that might not lead to marriage but would still ripen one’s sensibilities.
How about you? Are you willing to contemplate or accept an experience that doesn’t necessarily go anywhere in particular, but that is still an essential part of love, sex, and being human?"
- Debra Ollivier
The Negativity Bias in Our Brains
NEGATIVITY BIAS: To survive and pass on their genes, our ancestors needed to be especially aware of dangers, threats, and conflicts. Consequently, the brain evolved a negativity bias that looks for bad news, reacts intensely to it, and quickly stores the experience in our neural structure.
See, it's not just you with those negative voices in your head. We all have brains with a hair-trigger readiness to go negative to help us survive.
We can still be happy, but this bias creates an ongoing vulnerability to stress, anxiety, disappointment, and hurt.
The remedy is to foster simple, positive experiences — and to really take them in so they become a permanent part of us.
Watching a sunset? Dog lying at your feet? Parking meter up and you didn't get a ticket?
Open to the positive feelings and try to sense them in your body; let them fill your mind. Enjoy them. As if you were a sponge, absorb the experience as much as you can. Soak it into your bones, into your nerves, into your heart, your organs.
This is how we begin to change the wiring in our brains.
Ideas by Rick Hanson
Photo by Jim Mangan
Stuck in The Past?
Do you get stuck in the past? Want to let go of obsessive thoughts?
First, what are you telling yourself about the situation? What are you believing about yourself or others?
What's the hurt or pain under the thinking? Can you allow it to surface? Try doing this alone, maybe in your room or with a journal.
Learn to self-soothe: Put your hand on your heart - this releases oxytocin, the "feel good" hormone, which is activated when we cuddle or hug a loved one. You'll feel an immediate relaxing of your body and nervous system.
Comfort yourself, silently or in a whisper: "I'm here with you." This may be foreign to you, but try. "This is hard. I see you. You're not alone."
Be easy with yourself. You're trying something new. This is how you learn to be with difficult emotions without checking out or shutting down. You'll see that when you do this, the sadness or pain comes up and then it passes. You now have tools to use in the moment so the emotions won't overwhelm you.
We see you and you're not alone!
