The Four Corners of Eroticism
Sexual attraction is one of life’s greatest mysteries. Why are we attracted to unavailable people? How to link love with lust? What place do our fantasies have in the bedroom? What ARE our fantasies? In “The Erotic Mind,” psychologist Jack Morin presents an explanation he calls The Erotic Equation: ATTRACTION + OBSTACLES = EXCITEMENT
What kinds of obstacles? Morin identifies four major themes, known as "The Four Corners of Eroticism:" - Longing & Anticipation - Violating Prohibitions - Searching for Power - Overcoming Ambivalence While we each have our own individual histories, all of us participate in the same realities of human existence. Morin suggests these are the four existential sources of arousal that transcend personal narrative.
The Four Corners of Eroticism play key roles in developing our erotic blueprints. ☞ Which ones play a part in your most compelling sexual events? Instruction: Think back over all your sexual encounters with other people. Allow your mind to focus on two specific encounters that were among the most arousing of your entire life. What are your ideas about what made each of these encounters so exciting? ☞ Can you uncover any of these themes in your earliest sexual memories? Instruction: Think back as far as your memory will take you, to the very first time you felt anything that seems even a little sexy or arousing. What do you remember about the circumstances surrounding this earliest experience of arousal? For more descriptions of each, check out “The Erotic Mind” by Jack Morin or come in to talk with us about them!
Self-Healing Happens with Other People
I’ve been thinking about the ways we heal on our own, the internal “work” that only we can do. It's no doubt, the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
However, and maybe this rant stems from the staunch individualism of this country and so much of the avoidant commitment issues I see in LA, I also believe there are certain lessons we can only learn *in relation* with other people.
It’s confusing, though, because both are true: (1) We have to learn to love ourselves and be ok on our own before we can truly step into a healthy relationship and (2) The stability of a secure relationship (with friend, family, intimate partner, or community) creates a safe container that allows this individual work to flourish.
There is also truth to some people feeling they don’t need to be in relation with others in order to achieve their full potential - that their safety & security can be found through art, nature, animals, spirituality.
The following are just some ideas... Let me know what I’ve missed!
Healing on Your Own (Lessons to Learn):
- Quieting your mind
- Not comparing yourself to others
- Self-love & acceptance
- Relationship with spirituality
- Joy, gratitude, contentedness
- Individual meaning, purpose
- Perfectionism
- I’m not good enough / not worthy
- Shame
Healing in Relation (Lessons to Learn):
- Communication
- Intimacy & Vulnerability
- Allowing yourself to be loved / Receiving love
- Trusting another
- Partnership / Compromise / Acceptance of another person
- Sexuality
- Dependence / Interdependence
- Surrender / Letting go of control
Yes, building a healthy relationship can start with a therapist. Call us!
Illustration by Quibe
When You're High
"Do you have a more accurate or less accurate picture of the world when you're high?"
-Michael Pollan
Photo by Signe Vilstrup
My True Power
What's the #1 most important, most effective tool we recommend for finding contentment & ease?
☞ MEDITATION ☜
That inner place of silence is your source of true power and intuition. The more often you go to your source, the easier it is to return and the longer you can stay.
You can meditate in many different ways - eyes open or closed, while moving or sitting. If you think you "can't" meditate, we'd love to help you.
Our brains are not used to this practice and so it may feel uncomfortable at first, but you may just need some simple instruction.
How about giving these a try?
Mindfulness Meditation:
The brain wants something to hold on to. So, give it something! Your breath is the perfect anchor.
Repeat silently to yourself "In" on the inhale and "Out" on the exhale. Over & over & over again. It becomes calming, like a metronome.
With your brain suitably distracted, that voice in your head will naturally soften and quiet. When you start to drift into thinking, just gently come back to your "In" and "Out."
This kind of meditation can leave you feeling spacious, floaty, relaxed. Try it on your own for 3 or 5 minutes, working your way up to 10.
Or try a guided meditation. These are a bit different, but have similar effects. Our favorite is by Tara Brach, though hers tend to be a bit long for beginners.
Bodyfulness Meditation:
This kind of meditation involves lighting up your physical body. These practices are less about the floaty, spacious head feeling and more like a ZAP! to your body. You will be creating positive energy in your body, which leaves your whole system buzzing, vibrating, and feeling alive.
These meditations move your attention through the different energy centers in your body. Starting at the base of your spine and moving up the column to the top of your head, each center helps you connect to your body and activate key areas of your personal power - your creativity, sexuality, authentic truth, intuition, compassion, spirituality, wisdom, sense of belonging, grounding.
By focusing your attention on these areas, you are bringing the intention to strengthen them. And it feels great! Like you're lit up from within.
Try our favorites on Insight Timer: "Journey through the Chakras" by Amrit Yoga Institute, "Chakra Lights" by Estelle Godsman and "7 Color Rays Meditation" by Arielle Hecht.
Art by Christina Bothwell
Sexological Bodywork
We’ve spoken here about the difference between Bottom-Up Processing and Top-Down Processing. It's the difference between coming at things from your body vs your head. Now let's talk about healing from The Inside-Out vs The Outside-In. Sexological Bodywork uses a "Hands-On, Hands-In" approach to working with topics such as sexual empowerment, sexual trauma, and scar tissue remediation. Practitioners are trained to work with the body and also on the genitals, although much of the work is done without touch. Clients are supported to learn about establishing boundaries, regulating their nervous systems, embodiment, breathwork, positive touch, consent, movement, and many other topics. To learn more, a good place to start is with the work of @kimberly.ann.johnson Podcast: Sex, Birth Trauma Program: Activate Your Inner Jaguar Book: Call of the Wild
Photo of @kimberly.ann.johnson by @ambassador_of_stoke
