Dating, Relationships, and Attachment Styles

It makes sense that the way we were cared for as babies influences the way we behave in later relationships. Attachment Theory has identified three main styles in which people approach intimacy in romantic relationships: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.

Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.

Initially it was assumed that these attachment styles were primarily a product of our upbringing. But how about the major impact our adult romantic relationships have had on us? Dating and relationships are hard and can be traumatizing. They can also be incredibly healing. Thus, our attachment styles can change as a result of these experiences.

Which attachment style do you identify with? Hint: If you're "anxious," you may be attracted to "avoidants" and vice-versa, often resulting in an unhealthy cycle for both parties.

If you don't resonate with either of the others, default to "secure."

Avoidant Attachment

≫ Describes Me? ≪⁣⁣

⁣My independence is more important to me than my relationships⁣

I miss my partner when we're apart, but then when we're together I feel the need to escape⁣⁣

My partners often want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being ⁣

I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why⁣⁣

I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person⁣⁣

I hate feeling that other people depend on me⁣⁣

≫ Describes My Partner / The People I'm Attracted To? ≪⁣⁣

⁣Value their independence greatly - "My work takes up so much time there's no room for relationship" ⁣Plans are left unclear, like when you will meet again, move in together. Send mixed signals⁣⁣

Have difficulty talking about what's going on between you. Certain topics are off-limits⁣⁣

During a disagreement, need to get away - get up and walk out⁣

Have an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be ⁣

≫ Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or in the people you're attracted to? ≪⁣⁣

Anxious Attachment

≫ Describes Me? ≪ ⁣

I think about my relationships a lot⁣

I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner⁣

I am very sensitive to my partner's moods⁣

I often worry that my partner will stop loving me or that I'm not attractive enough⁣

When I'm not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious & incomplete⁣

⁣≫ Describes My Partner / The People I'm Attracted To? ≪

They worry about rejection - Ask a lot of questions about your past partners

Try hard to please you. Let you set the tone in the relationship

Want a lot of closeness - want to spend all your time together⁣

Suspicious you may be unfaithful. Hypervigilant about your whereabouts⁣

Take things very personally - you come home tired and don't want to talk = "You don't love me anymore"

They are preoccupied with the relationship - call or text a lot, hash out every detail of your dates with their friends⁣

≫ Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or in the people you're attracted to? ≪⁣

Ideas from "Attached" by Amir Levine

Art by René Margritte - The Lovers/ 1928

Things We're Hearing About a Lot These Days

Things we're hearing about a lot these days:

- Herpes : How & when to tell new partner?

- Male sexual performance anxiety

- Endless texting with no concrete plans being made

- People who are unwilling / unable to commit to a relationship

- Being attracted to people who are unwilling / unable to commit to a relationship

- Self-sabotaging behaviors just when things start to feel good

- Over responsibility of others' emotions & needs

- Loneliness

- "I should feel happy, but I don't"

- Feeling blue for no reason

- I have a lot of friends but don't feel close to anyone

- Overthinking, overworked, overbooked, overtired, overconsuming

Photo by Olivier Abry

How to Stoke Sexual Desire?

Melanie Lynskey & Mark Duplass in HBO's "Togetherness"

A spiritual approach to dating takes a gender-blind stance, addressing every person in the same way, and admonishes masculine / feminine roles as sexist games and manipulations. But men and women are different and gender roles show up in same sex relationships as well. While spiritual philosophies are foundational to my life, I am inclined to approach dating from a more gendered perspective. As always, feel free to disagree with some or all of what I write.

It seems to me that we contradict ourselves when it comes to dating. We say we want one thing, but actually are attracted to something else. We pursue people we know are unhealthy for us, while dismissing compatible, available, attractive potentials.

Ask a woman about her sexual fantasies and she’s likely to tell you they involve being desired and dominated. So she wants to mate with the stable, reliable, emotionally-attuned man and get fucked by the Bad Boy (a similar dynamic shows up with the Madonna/Whore complex in men). So what’s the psychology under this?

The reason why women like bad boys, says Esther Perel, is because the bad boy knows how to take care of himself perfectly well, which frees her from having to feel responsible for him, from having to worry about him. Since he can let go and be in his pleasure, it frees her up to do the same. The primary erotic block for women is that they are used to sex being a duty and that their role is to care for others. They struggle sexually in taking for themselves.

The patriarchal system has ingrained into women thousands of years of sexual duty and obligation. Men have sexual needs that must be met and they are paramount. He bought you dinner, you led him on, you owe him this. Break the entitlement of the stiff penis: no one will die if an erection goes untended!

Women are most free when not having to think of anyone else. Since she knows the bad boy will take care of himself, she’s able to focus on herself and experience healthy sexual narcissism. If the man needs to be mothered, she won’t be able to let go into her own pleasure. Once it becomes a duty, she’s no longer in the realm of desire.

Men also need to feel that their partners are strong enough to withstand their desire. If he feels she’s too fragile, he’s unable to submit fully to his sexual appetite. The aggression in sex is too dangerous to bring to someone he loves.

Many men grew up with mothers whose emotional needs engulfed and burdened them. So any whiff of a woman being needy sparks an anti-sexual, dutiful, caretaking response. Who wants to have sex with their mother? This dynamic with mother also leads men to become love avoidants. Why submit to another relationship in which you feel incredibly burdened and responsible for another person’s happiness? Much simpler to screw a woman with whom there’s no commitment.

TO RECONCILE:

1. Esther Perel’s Sexual Conversations: Try exploring these questions yourself and with your partner. Have fun, laugh, make a night of it, don’t make it so serious.

2. Self-Pleasing: Think broader than masturbation. What feels good to you? What do you enjoy just for sheer pleasure? Like the ocean? Try spending a few extra moments letting the shower water drip down your neck, your back. Do you twirl your hair? Stroke your arm? How would it be for your partner to lightly stroke your arm or face in the morning time between sleep and wake? Would you enjoy that?

3. Beyond All-or-Nothing Thinking: If your partner does stroke you like that, can you just let yourself enjoy it? Don’t assume that he’s angling for more or trying to lure you into sex. Trust that he wants nothing more than this. Or see it as an invitation, not a demand. More may happen, it may not.
Sex is not just in the genitals, it’s an entire universe. The word sex – it’s closeness, it’s connection, it’s prioritizing, it’s remembering me, it’s making me feel that I matter, it’s all of that under the word “sex.” Guys, if you're feeling pressured for sex and are not into it, your partner may just want to connect. 

4. The New Masculinity: For men, sexuality may be the only place where they can experience forbidden emotions – tenderness, vulnerability, fragility, access to inner child, being taken care of. Read my previous post on men’s relationships and seek out and deepen your male friendships. Your wife is not a Wellbeing Dialysis machine. She’s not your Xanax, mother, and psychiatrist. You need to find other ways to get your own sense of wellbeing.

(Much of this is from a training I did with Esther Perel & Terry Real, so thank you to them for their colorful language 😊)

Where Should We Begin? with Esther Perel (Streaming free on Audible now)
Terry Real 

How to Create Chemistry

Sue, Rancho Rico, Big Sur. Photo by Nicola.

SEXUAL POLARITY
Polarity deals with the flow of energy between opposite poles: the North and South Poles of the Earth create a force of magnetism; the positive and negative poles of a battery create an electrical flow. Polarity creates energy. Consider how a magnet is nothing more than a lump of metal if both its poles have the same charge. It is when the poles are charged with different energy that a magnet gets its irresistible power. 

When we take the principle of polarity to the sexual arena, we see the importance of Sexual Polarity. These poles can be called different names: yin/yang, lunar/solar ... in modern language, we usually use the words feminine/masculine. 

Your biological gender does not dictate whether you "should be" more masculine or more feminine. Everyone has both energies within them and they both are important to develop. A person can be more of one at any given moment and two people who are flirting with each other are going to be doing both during that process. This is true between two women, two men, two transgender persons, or any other combination thereof. 

Of course, sexual polarity is only part of the reason a person feels chemistry. We also are attracted to similarities, which play a big role in creating the foundation where love can grow. What makes the relationship stable is what you have in common and what gives the relationship passion are your opposites, your polarity. Thriving relationships need both to work. 

Knowing where you sit and possibly making adjustments on the feminine / masculine scale will give you more clarity and confidence while dating and will help keep a longterm relationship passionate and alive. Maybe try these ideas the next time you meet a potential romantic interest!

MASCULINE ENERGY GIVES & FEMININE ENERGY RECEIVES
This is where it gets interesting because there are some powerful misconceptions here. (Note: I'm going to use the gendered terms "man" and "woman" here, but remember these energies can be in any person and are not gender-specific). 

Often times, in our society we think of masculine as macho, controlling, and aggressive and of feminine as passive, weak, and undervalued. These characteristics are partly true, but they only describe the dark energies of each. The light masculine energies include the energies of protection, giving, support, and doing. Yes, GIVING, is not a feminine energy, it is a masculine energy! Light feminine energies include those of nurturing, receiving, and being.

Yet, women have been taught to caretake, to be selfless, to put others' needs above their own. It can actually be quite difficult for a woman to allow herself to receive - she questions whether she's worthy or believes she has to give something in return. Allowing oneself to receive is allowing oneself to be nurtured. Is there anything more feminine than letting yourself be taken care of? And yet doing so requires willingness to relinquish control (that is, your masculine energy).

You maintain control when you make the plans and do everything for him, like calling his doctor, picking out his clothes, buying his mother a birthday gift, cooking delicious dinners, flooding him with affection and attention. In this relationship, there is not much room for him to offer any of these to you. When you invest so much, when you give up yourself to accommodate his needs he may rather see you as a mother or a friend instead of a lover.

If you are only giving and doing, you are neglecting your feminine side. When are you allowing yourself to just be and to receive? When's the last time you felt cherished? How would it feel to be lovingly protected and deeply cared for? To feel treasured? To know that your partner values you and holds you dear. What you have to do is to be open and willing to receive love from a man. And you also have to give something back: appreciation for everything that he is doing for you, respect for who he is and gratitude. 

With your partner you can practice being receptive to his intention, energy, and love expressed in various forms. It may show up in a form different than the one you’re wanting in that moment. Rather than leave him feeling like he did it “wrong” because it wasn’t the expression you really wanted, try gracefully to receive his love, in the masculine form that it came. In being received, his masculinity will automatically be validated & he will want to be closer to you.

I’m not suggesting you ignore your own wants or be denied the type of care you’re craving. The masculine gets to become skilled at giving to his feminine in the ways she craves. I am suggesting that you don’t use your masculine energy against him; to block him, push him away or do battle, especially during a time where he is trying to give to you. 

Being rigid about how things should be done is a masculine trait. Its feminine counterpart, allowing, helps you to be flexible and flowing. The perfect balance, then, is to insist upon what you want (masculine) but be open about how it is delivered (feminine).

In general, we need the qualities of both energies. There are times where we want to do, give, and be active. And there are times when it is more helpful to be receptive and nurturing. If we give all the time, we can get depleted. If we are simply being all the time, we won’t get much done! We all need both masculine and feminine energies. We need to engage in both in order to be balanced.

Men have their own set of struggles. They are raised to be tough, to be non-emotional, to be bread-winners, sacrificers. Young men are programmed to compete with each other. It takes some special attention to learn to be deeply masculine without being macho, to be forceful and direct and mighty without being brutal. It takes some practice and honing to learn to be connected to emotion and have an open heart without being a “soft male.”

You can picture the light masculine energy as an unconditionally supportive, protective, enabling energy. This energy enables you to feel safe, secure, and supported in going after your dreams. It’s like the energy who watches over you. The masculine is supportive in what you want to do, without stepping in to do it for you. And in the flow of exchange, he gets to feel respected, honored, and admired by his partner. She brings pleasure, beauty, love, spirit, relaxation, calm, and ease into his life. She supports and trusts him and encourages his growth. 

The Masculine - goes after, gives, serves, does, protects, achieves, is driven, pursues, focuses on one thing at a time, simplifies, contains, quiet, a pillar of strength and safety, provides, is an aggressor, warrior, requires freedom, is predictable, solid, fearless, and is determined.

The Feminine - receives, allows, accepts, magnifies things, opens, flows, storms, nurtures, radiates, is creative, multi-tasks, focus on pleasure, soft, willing to be vulnerable, is emotional, talkative, compassionate, loving, requires safety, unpredictable, surrenders, feels deeply.

FIVE SIMPLE WAYS TO ENGAGE THE LIGHT MASCULINE ENERGIES:

Give something freely, without expecting anything in return. This can be volunteer work, your time, your attention, a gift, or even money.

Take on challenges. You build self-esteem not by necessarily winning or succeeding in your challenging moments, but just the fact that you tried to challenge yourself tells your brain that you believe yourself worthy and capable of being challenged in the first place. So set goals, and run after them. Whether you succeed or not is secondary to the fact that you are out there doing something.

Offer protection to someone. Picture yourself protecting and giving to that person, financially or otherwise. Maybe it’s a dream or a wish they have. Without telling them what to do, just give them the support, protection and energy they need. Then watch over them as they do their work without stepping in and telling them what to do or how to do it.

Do something you enjoy. This can include working out, riding your bike, working your garden, or driving up the coast. Any activity that you enjoy that requires “doing” will work for these purposes.

Give yourself permission to go first. Don’t sit back and wait for permission, an invitation, or everyone else to speak before you make a move. What you have to say deserves to be voiced, so be confident in your power to go first and get things moving.

FIVE SIMPLE WAYS TO ENGAGE THE LIGHT FEMININE ENERGIES:

Simply receive. Whether it is a nice smile from a stranger, a compliment, a gift, a kind gesture, simply allow yourself to receive without having to give back.

Say “yes” the next time someone offers to do something for you. Allow yourself to receive and be nurtured! And don’t step in to “fix” it if they don’t do it “right.” For example, if your partner offers to fold laundry or do the dishes, don’t say yes, and then go back and rearrange the stuff or refold it. Simply receive what they are giving!

Be nurturing. Care for and encourage the growth or development of your loved ones, but don't take over and do it for them. Help them see themselves through your supportive eyes: strong, capable, confident, good, whole, steady. 

Engage your creativity. Dress up, draw, paint, dance, sing, however you want to engage your creativity, do it!

Nurture your body. Take a bath, eat healthy foods, rub essential oils on your skin, wear soft & flowy fabrics, slow down instead of rushing, enjoy the litheness of your body as you move throughout your day. Simply engage the senses and nurture your body in a way that feels good to you.

I'm excited for you!!

Dr. Pat Allen, "It's a Man's World and a Woman's Universe"

David Wagner, "Backbone: The Modern Man's Ultimate Guide to Purpose, Passion and Power"

Coach Violetta, Embrace Your Femininity

Why You Should Not Have Sex With Him

Faye Dunaway & Steve McQueen, "The Thomas Crown Affair" (1968)

Ladies, hear 83-year-old feisty relationship expert Pat Allen: No sex without commitment! 

Women who are interested in a longterm relationship must signal men before sex that they are moving toward that, or too often the women will be hurt and time will be wasted. 

Most liberated, sexually active women believe they can maintain control over their emotions after sex. What they may not realize is that casual, non-committed sex for many woman can trigger a bonding that verges on physical addiction. This is due to a sexually stimulated hormone called oxytocin. 

Oxytocin is a pleasurable, bonding hormone released when you are on your way to orgasm, and when you orgasm. It increases the feelings of love, well-being, peace, affection, nurturing, security and attachment and causes humans to want to stay together and organize as family units. Since it is released in a man's semen, it literally is the glue of the family structure. 

Men and women both have oxytocin, but women have much more and it affects them differently. A woman will bond to her man after one instance of good sex. A man may feel bonded too, but he can easily go off and bond with other women as well.

Women get attached to the man's smell, his touch, the sound of his voice. If you keep contact with these things, you can stay bonded to a man for a year or longer, from one sexual encounter, as long as you keep getting a fix, even if it is only via his voice.

Other brain chemicals also play cupid during this time. Whether you like it or not, neurotransmitters are highly involved in your sex life and your romantic passion is largely a function of your own endocrinology. When you're thinking about him to the point of obsession, you're soaked in a cocktail of serotonin, dopamine and norepinephrine more potent than a martini and similar to the chemical combo found in obsessive-compulsive disorder. A jigger full of dopamine gives you the same high as that from alcohol or drugs. 

So what is building is a chemical connection with the emotional g-force of an atomic bomb. The chemical portion alone is enough to super glue you to this guy. According to Dr. Helen Fisher, author of Why We Love: The Nature and and Chemistry of Romantic Love, "These are truly intense and insane attachments that produce a crazy energy drive, emotional elation, mood swings, emotional craving, separation anxiety, childlike possessiveness and total madness."

All of this can set women up for heartache. You think that if you're easy-going, cool, not needy, that the guy will want to be with you. However, giving yourself to a man too early, if what you want is a monogamous, committed, sexual relationship, could leave you longing for a man who can't give you what you want. 

To alleviate this epidemic, try drawing a line and NOT having sex with men unless you have a commitment. This commitment is for continuity, longevity and monogamy. You want to know that he has time to spend with you, intends to be here for an extended time, and will only sleep with you.

Getting to I Do by Dr. Pat Allen

Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love by Dr. Helen Fisher

Women Who Love Psychopaths by Sandra Brown