How to Create Chemistry

Sue, Rancho Rico, Big Sur. Photo by Nicola.

Sue, Rancho Rico, Big Sur. Photo by Nicola.

Polarity deals with the flow of energy between opposite poles: the North and South Poles of the Earth create a force of magnetism; the positive and negative poles of a battery create an electrical flow. Polarity creates energy. Consider how a magnet is nothing more than a lump of metal if both its poles have the same charge. It is when the poles are charged with different energy that a magnet gets its irresistible power. 

When we take the principle of polarity to the sexual arena, we see the importance of Sexual Polarity. These poles can be called different names: yin/yang, lunar/solar ... in modern language, we usually use the words feminine/masculine

Your biological gender does not dictate whether you "should be" more masculine or more feminine. Everyone has both energies within them and they both are important to develop. A person can be more of one at any given moment and two people who are flirting with each other are going to be doing both during that process. This is true between two women, two men, two transgender persons, or any other combination thereof. 

Of course, sexual polarity is only part of the reason a person feels chemistry. We also are attracted to similarities, which play a big role in creating the foundation where love can grow. What makes the relationship stable is what you have in common and what gives the relationship passion are your opposites, your polarity. Thriving relationships need both to work. 

Knowing where you sit and possibly making adjustments on the feminine / masculine scale will give you more clarity and confidence while dating and will help keep a longterm relationship passionate and alive. Maybe try these ideas the next time you meet a potential romantic interest!


This is where it gets interesting because there are some powerful misconceptions here. (Note: I'm going to use the gendered terms "man" and "woman" here, but remember these energies can be in any person and are not gender-specific). 

Often times, in our society we think of masculine as macho, controlling, and aggressive and of feminine as passive, weak, and undervalued. These characteristics are partly true, but they only describe the dark energies of each. The light masculine energies include the energies of protection, giving, support, and doing. Yes, GIVING, is not a feminine energy, it is a masculine energy! Light feminine energies include those of nurturing, receiving, and being.

Yet, women have been taught to caretake, to be selfless, to put others' needs above their own. It can actually be quite difficult for a woman to allow herself to receive - she questions whether she's worthy or believes she has to give something in return. Allowing oneself to receive is allowing oneself to be nurtured. Is there anything more feminine than letting yourself be taken care of? And yet doing so requires willingness to relinquish control (that is, your masculine energy).

You maintain control when you make the plans and do everything for him, like calling his doctor, picking out his clothes, buying his mother a birthday gift, cooking delicious dinners, flooding him with affection and attention. In this relationship, there is not much room for him to offer any of these to you. When you invest so much, when you give up yourself to accommodate his needs he may rather see you as a mother or a friend instead of a lover.

If you are only giving and doing, you are neglecting your feminine side. When are you allowing yourself to just be and to receive? When's the last time you felt cherished? How would it feel to be lovingly protected and deeply cared for? To feel treasured? To know that your partner values you and holds you dear. What you have to do is to be open and willing to receive love from a man. And you also have to give something back: appreciation for everything that he is doing for you, respect for who he is and gratitude. 

With your partner you can practice being receptive to his intention, energy, and love expressed in various forms. It may show up in a form different than the one you’re wanting in that moment. Rather than leave him feeling like he did it “wrong” because it wasn’t the expression you really wanted, try gracefully to receive his love, in the masculine form that it came. In being received, his masculinity will automatically be validated & he will want to be closer to you.

I’m not suggesting you ignore your own wants or be denied the type of care you’re craving. The masculine gets to become skilled at giving to his feminine in the ways she craves. I am suggesting that you don’t use your masculine energy against him; to block him, push him away or do battle, especially during a time where he is trying to give to you. 

Being rigid about how things should be done is a masculine trait. Its feminine counterpart, allowing, helps you to be flexible and flowing. The perfect balance, then, is to insist upon what you want (masculine) but be open about how it is delivered (feminine).

In general, we need the qualities of both energies. There are times where we want to do, give, and be active. And there are times when it is more helpful to be receptive and nurturing. If we give all the time, we can get depleted. If we are simply being all the time, we won’t get much done! We all need both masculine and feminine energies. We need to engage in both in order to be balanced.

Men have their own set of struggles. They are raised to be tough, to be non-emotional, to be bread-winners, sacrificers. Young men are programmed to compete with each other. It takes some special attention to learn to be deeply masculine without being macho, to be forceful and direct and mighty without being brutal. It takes some practice and honing to learn to be connected to emotion and have an open heart without being a “soft male.”

You can picture the light masculine energy as an unconditionally supportive, protective, enabling energy. This energy enables you to feel safe, secure, and supported in going after your dreams. It’s like the energy who watches over you. The masculine is supportive in what you want to do, without stepping in to do it for you. And in the flow of exchange, he gets to feel respected, honored, and admired by his partner. She brings pleasure, beauty, love, spirit, relaxation, calm, and ease into his life. She supports and trusts him and encourages his growth. 


The Masculine - goes after, gives, serves, does, protects, achieves, is driven, pursues, focuses on one thing at a time, simplifies, contains, quiet, a pillar of strength and safety, provides, is an aggressor, warrior, requires freedom, is predictable, solid, fearless, and is determined.

The Feminine - receives, allows, accepts, magnifies things, opens, flows, storms, nurtures, radiates, is creative, multi-tasks, focus on pleasure, soft, willing to be vulnerable, is emotional, talkative, compassionate, loving, requires safety, unpredictable, surrenders, feels deeply.



Give something freely, without expecting anything in return. This can be volunteer work, your time, your attention, a gift, or even money.

Take on challenges. You build self-esteem not by necessarily winning or succeeding in your challenging moments, but just the fact that you tried to challenge yourself tells your brain that you believe yourself worthy and capable of being challenged in the first place. So set goals, and run after them. Whether you succeed or not is secondary to the fact that you are out there doing something.

Offer protection to someone. Picture yourself protecting and giving to that person, financially or otherwise. Maybe it’s a dream or a wish they have. Without telling them what to do, just give them the support, protection and energy they need. Then watch over them as they do their work without stepping in and telling them what to do or how to do it.

Do something you enjoy. This can include working out, riding your bike, working your garden, or driving up the coast. Any activity that you enjoy that requires “doing” will work for these purposes.

Give yourself permission to go first. Don’t sit back and wait for permission, an invitation, or everyone else to speak before you make a move. What you have to say deserves to be voiced, so be confident in your power to go first and get things moving.



Simply receive. Whether it is a nice smile from a stranger, a compliment, a gift, a kind gesture, simply allow yourself to receive without having to give back.

Say “yes” the next time someone offers to do something for you. Allow yourself to receive and be nurtured! And don’t step in to “fix” it if they don’t do it “right.” For example, if your partner offers to fold laundry or do the dishes, don’t say yes, and then go back and rearrange the stuff or refold it. Simply receive what they are giving!

Be nurturing. Care for and encourage the growth or development of your loved ones, but don't take over and do it for them. Help them see themselves through your supportive eyes: strong, capable, confident, good, whole, steady. 

Engage your creativity. Dress up, draw, paint, dance, sing, however you want to engage your creativity, do it!

Nurture your body. Take a bath, eat healthy foods, rub essential oils on your skin, wear soft & flowy fabrics, slow down instead of rushing, enjoy the litheness of your body as you move throughout your day. Simply engage the senses and nurture your body in a way that feels good to you.


I'm excited for you!!


Dr. Pat Allen, "It's a Man's World and a Woman's Universe"

David Wagner, "Backbone: The Modern Man's Ultimate Guide to Purpose, Passion and Power"

Coach Violetta, Embrace Your Femininity