Things We're Hearing About a Lot These Days

Things we're hearing about a lot these days:

- Herpes : How & when to tell new partner?

- Male sexual performance anxiety

- Endless texting with no concrete plans being made

- People who are unwilling / unable to commit to a relationship

Photo by Olivier Abry

- Being attracted to people who are unwilling / unable to commit to a relationship

- Self-sabotaging behaviors just when things start to feel good

- Over responsibility of others' emotions & needs

- Loneliness

- "I should feel happy, but I don't"

- Feeling blue for no reason

- I have a lot of friends but don't feel close to anyone

- Overthinking, overworked, overbooked, overtired, overconsuming

Our Internalized Loyal Soldier

"Each of us has a 'loyal soldier' sub-personality, a courageous, creative, and stubborn entity formed to help us survive the realities of childhood.

The loyal soldier attempted to minimize the occurrence of injury by making us small or invisible and suppressing much of our natural exuberance, emotions, and desires so that we might be sufficiently acceptable to our parents, siblings, teachers, and peers.

Common loyal soldier survival strategies include:

- Harsh self-criticism to make us feel small and unworthy and thus keep us from doing anything too wild that might elicit further punishment, abandonment, or criticism

- Placing our personal agenda last so as to not displease or arouse anger or envy

- Other co-dependent behaviors, such as care-taking, rescuing, or enabling to stave off abandonment

- Restricting our range of feeling by encouraging us to always be in control, busy, and/or numb

- Suppressing our intelligence, talent, enthusiasm, sensuality, and wildness

The loyal soldier believes that it is better to be suppressed or inauthentic or small than socially isolated or emotionally crushed.

The loyal soldier did in fact keep us safe in childhood. The problem is these strategies become ingrained in our functioning, even after the threats are over. And not only are they no longer helping us, they become an obstacle to growth."

In what ways does your loyal soldier show up?

- By choosing social acceptance over authenticity?

- By avoiding conflict or fear of upsetting/disappointing people?

- By going along with the crowd because it’s easier or because you don't know what you truly want?

- By avoiding unnecessary risks?

- By suppressing your hurt or anger?

- By suppressing your natural gifts because you don't want to stand out?

When you notice yourself enacting any of these strategies, try thanking your loyal soldier for protecting you during the war, and remind her that the war is over.

Tell her what you’ll do in place of the old strategies, and remind yourself of the new resources available to handle any new crises that might arise along the way.

It's time to retire your loyal soldier!

- Bill Plotkin

EMDR on Showtime's "The Affair"

This year I got to consult about EMDR Therapy on Showtime's compelling tv series, "The Affair." The writers, actors and I worked together to explain the therapy in a way to hopefully make sense to audiences.

Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR) was discovered by Francine Shapiro, PhD in 1988. The technique has a direct effect on the way the brain processes information, releasing emotional experiences that are trapped in the nervous system.

When your eyes follow the back-and-forth movements of the therapist's fingers or you hold vibrating buzzers in each of your hands, a process called "bilateral stimulation" of the brain begins. This brain state is similar to that seen during REM sleep, in which we activate more distant associations than in the normal waking state. The process gives us access to loosely associated memories and images from our past similar to when we're dreaming.

This helps you put traumatic experiences into a larger context or perspective. You are able to observe your experiences in a new way and heal from trauma without the usual blocks.

This can be for something specific, like a traumatic event, or for entrenched patterns that don't seem to change, such as persistent negative beliefs.

Wondering if it could work for you? Please reach out with questions!

How We'll Work Together

People come to us for many different reasons. Do you feel “flat,” “lost,” or like you have “no purpose?” Are you not “getting enough enjoyment out of life?” Are you comparing yourself to others? Does your mind skew towards the negative?

Are these things affecting your relationships? Maybe you need an impartial perspective? Someone to help you talk about your feelings? Or maybe you need help processing a loss or some family dynamics?

Art by Jean Arp, "Decoupages," 1961

We’ll provide support in multiple ways, as there is no one right method for everyone. All of our therapists are licensed and trained traditionally and we start with that fundamental backdrop.

What’s unique here is that our next steps involve a variety of approaches you won’t find everywhere. We may involve your imagination, your body, your scientific side, the memories you have, the memories you don’t have. We may go into the garden or try meditating, we may use Chinese Medicine or other ancient practices. There might be clear goals or we might need to figure those out.

All of our work will be evidence-based and rooted in science, backed by decades of research. But we’ll also make use of innovative, cutting-edge techniques to stay current with modern trends in order to help you grow in the most comprehensive and creative ways possible.

 Each experience will be personalized according to individual needs. If you’re interested in deepening your internal awareness, improving your relationships, and getting more enjoyment out of life, come in for a session and hear our ideas!

What If Your Body Can Speak?

Traditional psychotherapy operates by "top-down processing” - observing, monitoring, integrating and planning through thinking and speaking.

At Flow, you may experiment with “bottom-up processing."

We'll help you mindfully track a sequence of physical sensations and impulses as they progress through your body, while temporarily disregarding the emotions and thoughts that arise.

Awareness, as opposed to avoidance, of your internal states allows feelings to be known, and to be used as guides for action. By being aware of your sensations, we will be able to introduce new options to solve problems.