Are You Attracted to Unavailable People?

B by Della Chen. Manka's, Inverness, CA.

If you always find yourself attracted to unavailable people, perhaps you need to explore whether YOU are the one who is unavailable. Here are three ideas to chew on. 

JUDITH ORLOFF "The Power to Surrender" 

One of the barriers that keeps us from love is being attracted to unavailable people. A confusing aspect of being attracted to unavailable, commitment-phobic people is that the emotional or sexual chemistry can feel so strong, leading you to accept behavior you’d never tolerate in friends.

The electricity can feel so incredible and rare, you mistake intensity for intimacy. You make compromises you wouldn’t typically consider in order to give the relationship a chance. Still, connection or not, you must take a sober look to determine if someone is truly available for intimacy. Know this: Not everyone you feel a connection with, no matter how mind-blowing, is your soul mate. You can fall for someone who is totally wrong for you, as unfair and confounding as that reality can be.

If someone's unavailable, it's not a healthy relationship.

Look for the signs of unavailable people, such as being in a relationship with someone else, not introducing you to their friends or family, or only being there intermittently for you. 

Often people want to find a partner who is unavailable so they can reform them and subconsciously heal the patterns with their parents. But it almost never works, you can't reform an unavailable person. And it won't heal your primary relationship with your parents. 

Maybe finding a surrogate parent would. An older woman, for example, who is maternal and able to accept you unconditionally could provide you with a different kind of maternal nurturing than you got. The more you build healthy, safe relationships with people like this, the more open you will be to finding a romantic partner who's capable of loving you. 

KATHERINE WOODWARD THOMAS "Calling in the One"

Learn how to ask the right questions. 

• What's right about bringing in people who are unavailable? How is that keeping me safe?

• What am I getting out of being single?

• What part of me doesn't want to be in a relationship?

• How am I pushing love away?

• What's actually more true about this situation than what I'm admitting to myself right now?

• What needs to develop in me in order to be ready for a relationship?

Maybe you're not yet the person you need to be in order to manifest and sustain the kind of loving relationship you really desire. 

MARGARET PAUL, "Inner Bonding"  

Perhaps this is a 'safe' relationship for you, in that you don't have to face your deeper fears. Perhaps you have a fear of engulfment – of losing yourself in a relationship – and attaching to a person who doesn't want you sexually is a way of protecting against this fear. Perhaps you have a fear of rejection and you would rather deal with a rejection you know rather than risk a rejection that isn't predictable. By being 'in love' with someone who is emotionally unavailable and already rejecting you, you don't need to deal with the uncertainty that you might fear. Perhaps the pain you know is preferable to you than the pain you fear.

Tools for Your Practice

Book/Shop, Erik Heywood, Oakland

Therapy works best when people take an interest in absorbing and synthesizing into their lives the ideas we explore in sessions. If you're looking for tools, here are some of my recommended resources, including books, podcasts, apps, videos, audio programs. I am always updating this list, so keep checking back. 

BOOKS (Many of these are available as audiobooks):

• Self-Development

• Relationships

• Spirituality

PODCASTS

AUDIO PROGRAMS

• Your Brain on Love by Stan Tatkin - Better to listen to this one than to read it, I think. Tatkin has an easy-to-follow explanation for how our attachment patterns (island, wave, or anchor) play with those of our partners and how to best navigate our individual differences.

• The Ecstasy of Letting Go by Judith Orloff - "Surrender allows us to let go of our compulsion to over-think, doubt our intention, and hold back from our complete experience of living," teaches Dr. Orloff. I really like the way she talks about how to tune into and listen to our intuition.

APPS

• Insight Timer - Thousands of free meditations. My favorites are from Arielle Hecht. I love chakra meditations: "I AM Yoga Nidra - Journey through the Chakras" by Amrit Yoga, "Chakra Lights" by Estelle Godsman, "7 Color Rays Meditation for Balance" by Arielle Hecht

• Mindfulness Daily - Set personal reminders to nudge yourself to be mindful throughout the day. The "Pause button" helps you take 15-second mindful pauses whenever you're stressed or catch yourself on autopilot.

• Buddha's Brain - Buddhism meets neuroscience. Rick Hanson, whom I mentioned above, teaches practical exercises in how to shape your brain for greater happiness, love & wisdom.

• New York Times - Whatever your news source of choice, it's important to stay connected to the events of the world and get out of your habitually self-absorbed mind.

• Better - Helps you get paid back by your health insurance for your out-of-network therapy and medical bills.

• Classpass - App that lets you sign up for classes at a variety of different exercise studios. Exercise always makes you feel better!

• Spotify - Let yourself explore & experiment with different kinds of music that you don't normally listen to. This helps keep your brain active and engaged. When's the last time you sat and just listened to music? Or played a whole album from start to finish? Check out the "Discover Weekly" playlist, where some magical algorithm somehow nails your musical preferences and selects a new batch of wonderful songs for you to discover each week.

• Notice I did not mention Instagram, Facebook or Snapchat. These apps have a tendency to create an unproductive compare-and-despair mentality in us And You Know It.

YOUTUBE

• Oceanside Restorative Yoga - Slow stretches with a bolster/pillow to open your body. If you're wanting to attempt being with your emotions instead of avoiding them, this would be a great way to start.

• The School of Life - From the author of the most widely read NYTimes article of 2016, "Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person," the School of Life is devoted to developing emotional intelligence through the help of culture. In a series of intelligent, immeasurably helpful videos, articles, and courses, they address such issues as how to find fulfilling work, how to master the art of relationships, how to understand one's past, and how to achieve calm.

• Abraham Hicks - The ultimate source for The Law of Attraction. It's kinda crazy & out there, so if that stuff turns you off, this might not be your cup of tea. You can get a taste for The Law of Attraction in my earlier posts and see if it appeals to you. It's the kind of thing that once you hear about it, you'll start hearing about it more and more.

• Esther Perel - My favorite sexuality & relationship teacher. She's an especially gifted speaker, so it's worth watching any video featuring her.

• For deep sleep - Moby, Long Ambients: Calm. Sleep ; Tibetan Singing Bowls

Law of Attraction: The Art of Allowing

Taken when my puppy playfully kicked sand into my camera lens and broke it. Dillon Beach, Sonoma County

Law of Attraction Post #1

"When you argue with reality, you lose - but only 100% of the time." - Byron Katie

The Art of Allowing has to do with accepting things as they are. When you're able to allow people, things and situations to be as they are -- without judging them, trying to fix them or wanting to change them -- you begin to tap into the power of allowing. It's an ability to allow things to happen and materialize, without you having to control people or situations to make them happen. 

This dovetails with themes found in Mindfulness and Buddhist psychology, which teach us how to be with things as they are and how to minimize clinging or attaching too tightly to the way we want things to be. 

While this attitude of acceptance is important, it is also beneficial to learn how to positively effect change in our lives. The Law of Attraction guides us in how to manifest these changes. Now, this does not mean you can just think of what you want and it will magically happen. It is more nuanced than that. The following posts will give you some practical ideas of how to harness this power. 

Read more here 

Law of Attraction: How to Manifest

Rachel Adler by Della Chen

Law of Attraction Post #2

The Law of Attraction is at once simple and complicated. In short, it's the idea that what you are giving attention to is what you will attract. By focusing on positive or negative thoughts, you bring positive or negative experiences into your life. When you feel good, you put out positive energy and attract goodness into your life; when you are depressed, there's a negative feeling around you and that's what keeps showing up. Makes sense, right? 

It gets more complicated when you actually try to put this into effect. It can be annoying when someone tells you to "Think positive thoughts!" Simply imagining yourself in a happy relationship with a flush bank account doesn't miraculously make these things appear. The key to The Law of Attraction is that it's not only about thinking - it's about feeling positivity, abundance, gratitude, generosity. Because it's when you really feel these ways, that's when things start to click into place for you. 

While it's important to set goals and articulate what you want, what's more important is to start generating the feelings that you will have when you get those things that you want. 

(1) Perhaps you are wanting to make changes in your life because you are unhappy and would like to feel differently. You may feel depressed or anxious and you may be distracting, numbing or avoiding these feelings. In order to healthfully move beyond this place, you may have to let yourself BE with these uncomfortable sensations for a bit. None of us wants to feel discomfort, but learning to build tolerance for this state teaches us how to ACCEPT our current reality. Peace comes from allowing and accepting life as it is, instead of thinking we need more or less of something in order to find happiness. You will be more open to manifesting what you want with The Law of Attraction if you come at it from a place of acceptance rather than running from something that you don't want. 

(2) During that process, start to awaken and open your heart, your body, and your senses. Do this by actively looking for small moments of pleasure, beauty, abundance, connection, peace and then heightening the experience and absorbing it into your body. Meter ran out and you came back to no ticket? Yes! You almost left your phone in the Uber, but you realized & stopped the driver before she took off? Phew! (You would certainly be bitching if it had gone the other way, so look for these small victories). Dog curls up at your feet? Mmmm. Someone smiles & waves when you let them into traffic? Sweet. Look for these little moments and when they happen imagine your body like a sponge soaking up the good feeling into your body, blood, bones. Imagine drinking a warm cup of tea and letting these experiences warm your body from the inside (see more here). Make an active effort to feel these small positive moments in your body. Try listening to a Loving Kindness meditation, an ancient tradition to open the heart. You can find plenty of guided meditations online. Some of my favorite teachers are Tara Brach, Jack Kornfield, Pema Chodron. 

(3) Explore what it is that you are truly seeking. What is the inner experience you're really craving? If you got the right partner, that financial security, success in your profession, the body you want, that child ... What would that give you that you're really wanting? Ask again, keep diving deeper. What is it that you're wanting to feel or experience? If you got that thing, how would you be different than you are now? Would it be that you could relax and enjoy moments? Would it be a feeling of belonging? Of being more alive, more at home? Of being good enough the way you are? Feel what you're really wanting. Is it a feeling of inner peace, happiness? A sense of safety, security? A sense of meaning or purpose? 

(4) When you have some sense of what you're really longing for, ask yourself: "How would life be if I felt that way? How would I be different? How would my life look different? What would my relationships be like? What would I be doing differently?" And then start bringing these changes - in behavior, in attitude, in feeling - into your life. This is how you start to make changes in small ways. Once you do, you will already be starting to feel better. And when you feel better, according to the Law of Attraction, is when better things come your way. 

Read more here

Law of Attraction: Living in Alignment

"Calf Creek and Beyond" by Scotty Mitchell

Law of Attraction Post #3

The outside world is a reflection of your inner experience. 

The Law of Attraction is responding to your thoughts and to how you feel. If things are going well for you, keep focusing on the good things and the wellbeing will continue. But if there are things happening that are not pleasing, you must find a way of taking your attention away from those unwanted things. You have the ability to change your patterns of thought. 

There is nothing wrong with identifying a problem and looking for solutions. But many people become problem-oriented rather than solution-oriented, which continues to perpetuate the problem. Continuing to focus on complaints disallows improvement. The best way to accomplish an improved environment is to focus upon the best things in your current situation.  When you do this, you are in alignment with your best self. And when you are in alignment with your best self, you cannot help but uplift those with whom you come in contact. Your value to those around you can hinge on one thing: your personal alignment with yourself. 

• HOW TO LIVE IN ALIGNMENT WITH YOURSELF:

• Do what you can to feel better, but don't force yourself to feel better

• Say no to things that really aren't what you want, knowing what you do want will come along

• Believe you can have what you want

• Willingness to believe things can be different & believe there are forces happening behind the scenes which you cannot conceive or begin to understand - and that you don't need to understand. There are infinite ways for things to come together.

• Find ways to enjoy the process as it unfolds, rather than obsessing about how you'll get what you want & when that will be

• Treat yourself with love & care

• See you are valuable for simply existing

• HOW TO STAY OUT OF ALIGNMENT WITH YOURSELF:

• Believe and focus on negative & limiting thoughts

• Continue to take actions that make you feel crappy

• Be afraid of change or doing things differently

• Feel you need to have control over everything in your life

• Become super attached to things having to go a certain way

• Block the flow of things that you want

• Force things when they feel hard or frustrating

• Believe that you need to suffer to get what you want