Why We Get Sick
One of the most frequent issues I hear from clients is about their Chronic Need for Approval.
Us too! While writing about our personal struggles for the bios on our website *every single one* of us therapists chose some version of, "High expectations of myself," "Saying no," "Forgiving my shortcomings," "Disappointing people."
Why do we all need this approval so desperately? I'd say it's something about fear of abandonment, needing to be accepted by the pack so we're not excluded and cast away.
And what effects is this having on our culture? On us individually?
Last week, I devoured Dr. Gabor Maté's book, "When the Body Says No: Understanding the Stress - Disease Connection."
Maté writes beautifully on the mind - body connection in health and adds a new layer I hadn't fully recognized:
★ The role of emotional suppression in the formation and development of illness. ★
"Many people unwittingly spend their entire lives as if under the gaze of a powerful and judgmental examiner whom they must please at all costs. Many of us live, if not alone, then in emotionally inadequate relationships that do not recognize or honor our deepest needs. Isolation and stress affect many who may believe their lives are quite satisfactory...
When we have been prevented from saying no, our bodies may end up saying it for us." - Dr. Gabor Maté
After decades of work as a family practice doctor and hundreds of interviews for this book, Maté identified several personality characteristics / types common in patients struggling with Cancer, Autoimmune Disorders, Irritable Bowel Disorders, Heart Disease, MS, and more:
- Chronic need for approval
- Habitual denial, suppression, or repression of fear, sadness, anger
- Compulsive sense of duty to others
- Inability to say no
- Inability to express emotion
- Self-imposed need to conform to society's expectations
- Discomfort asking for or receiving help
In making the link between repressed emotions and the development of disease, Dr. Gabor Maté invites people to look at their relationships:
- How much of your partner's stress do you take on?
- How much of a people pleaser are you?
- How nice are you to people no matter how you feel?
- How much do you take on the problems of other people & ignore your own?
- How well do you know yourself?
He also suggests abandoning so-called "Positive Thinking."
This "Compulsive Optimism" often excludes those parts of our reality that strike us as "negative." However, it is important to include ALL of our reality. We must develop the confidence that we can trust ourselves to face the full truth, whatever that full truth may turn out to be.
What, if anything, is this illness saying about the past & present? What is not working? What have I ignored? What is my body saying no to?
Of course, personality does not by itself cause disease; one does not get cancer simply from repressing anger or ALS from being too nice. A biopsychosocial model recognizes that many processes and factors work together in the formation of disease and in the creation of health.
Do you recognize yourself in any of these descriptors? Might they be connected to your physical health?
Positive Energy
Never underestimate the connection between the brain and body!
Physical pain, as well as psychological blocks, can be improved by increasing flow in the body.
Your body is a brilliant web of interconnected systems that need to stay open and move smoothly. When tissues and energy (or thoughts!) become stagnant, the movement of fluids & blood is slowed and hardening occurs.
You get it ~ the back pain after hours sitting at your computer, the kink in your neck after you sleep in a funky position. Your body naturally wants to stretch those things out, get things moving.
But how about when you get stuck in negative thoughts or patterns? How do you move those things around, shake them out? Sadly, the brain tends to keep us there.
In Eastern / spiritual medicine, different parts of the body are linked to emotions, so stagnation in the body can also lead to psychological & emotional struggles.
Releasing and clearing those physical blocks can alleviate mental heaviness.
You want to feel that your breath, blood, and fluids can run freely and smoothly through every vein & vessel in your body.
You’re trying to keep things open, light, unobstructed and moving.
FOR OVERWHELM, EXHAUSTION
Gently trace clockwise spirals on your stomach & then counter-clockwise spirals. Talk to yourself like an overtired child who needs a nap, "Ssshh, it's ok, everything is ok, everything is good, sshhh, just rest, let yourself rest”
TO KEEP YOUR ENERGY OPEN & FLOWING
Squeeze the sides of each finger nail and rub the insides of each palm in circles with the tip of your nails
Stand with feet even and bounce up and down on your toes at a good pace so that your heels are lifting up & hitting the ground
Weave hands together and rest on your neck behind your head. Let the weight of your head rest in your hands. Without moving your head, turn eyes far to the right for 10 - 30 seconds. Same looking left. (Vagus Nerve Reset)
FOR DEPRESSION, STRESS
Shake your body with active, energetic movements. Sing, chant. Make the sound VOO from deep in your belly
FOR OVERTHINKING, CREATIVITY BLOCK
Circle & sway your hips. Side to side, in spirals, fast, slow, both directions. Moan, move your voice low to high
FOR ANGER, LACK OF CONFIDENCE
Stomp & punch. Press hard with your hands against a wall. Lie on your stomach and kick & flail your hands & feet. Scream
FOR COMFORT, SUPPORT
Lie down & rest your hands gently on your heart, belly, pelvic area, neck, shoulders, and / or chest. Deep breaths
TO OPEN YOUR HEART
The arms connect to the heart. Lie on a foam roller to open up your chest & shoulders. Rub & massage your upper chest, front of shoulders. Move & swing your arms around
TO AWAKEN SENSUALITY, DESIRE
With 3 fingers, rapidly tap your pelvic area in a spot that feels good. Then rest one finger on a different spot and feel the internal vibration you just created
Sway & grind your hips to activate genitals
Image via @astrosipa
My True Power
What's the #1 most important, most effective tool we recommend for finding contentment & ease?
☞ MEDITATION ☜
That inner place of silence is your source of true power and intuition. The more often you go to your source, the easier it is to return and the longer you can stay.
You can meditate in many different ways - eyes open or closed, while moving or sitting. If you think you "can't" meditate, we'd love to help you.
Our brains are not used to this practice and so it may feel uncomfortable at first, but you may just need some simple instruction.
How about giving these a try?
Mindfulness Meditation:
The brain wants something to hold on to. So, give it something! Your breath is the perfect anchor.
Repeat silently to yourself "In" on the inhale and "Out" on the exhale. Over & over & over again. It becomes calming, like a metronome.
With your brain suitably distracted, that voice in your head will naturally soften and quiet. When you start to drift into thinking, just gently come back to your "In" and "Out."
This kind of meditation can leave you feeling spacious, floaty, relaxed. Try it on your own for 3 or 5 minutes, working your way up to 10.
Or try a guided meditation. These are a bit different, but have similar effects. Our favorite is by Tara Brach, though hers tend to be a bit long for beginners.
Bodyfulness Meditation:
This kind of meditation involves lighting up your physical body. These practices are less about the floaty, spacious head feeling and more like a ZAP! to your body. You will be creating positive energy in your body, which leaves your whole system buzzing, vibrating, and feeling alive.
These meditations move your attention through the different energy centers in your body. Starting at the base of your spine and moving up the column to the top of your head, each center helps you connect to your body and activate key areas of your personal power - your creativity, sexuality, authentic truth, intuition, compassion, spirituality, wisdom, sense of belonging, grounding.
By focusing your attention on these areas, you are bringing the intention to strengthen them. And it feels great! Like you're lit up from within.
Try our favorites on Insight Timer: "Journey through the Chakras" by Amrit Yoga Institute, "Chakra Lights" by Estelle Godsman and "7 Color Rays Meditation" by Arielle Hecht.
Art by Christina Bothwell
Sexological Bodywork
We’ve spoken here about the difference between Bottom-Up Processing and Top-Down Processing. It's the difference between coming at things from your body vs your head. Now let's talk about healing from The Inside-Out vs The Outside-In. Sexological Bodywork uses a "Hands-On, Hands-In" approach to working with topics such as sexual empowerment, sexual trauma, and scar tissue remediation. Practitioners are trained to work with the body and also on the genitals, although much of the work is done without touch. Clients are supported to learn about establishing boundaries, regulating their nervous systems, embodiment, breathwork, positive touch, consent, movement, and many other topics. To learn more, a good place to start is with the work of @kimberly.ann.johnson Podcast: Sex, Birth Trauma Program: Activate Your Inner Jaguar Book: Call of the Wild
Photo of @kimberly.ann.johnson by @ambassador_of_stoke
