Do You Have to Have Labels in Your Relationship?

"She loves me, she loves me not," American children sing as they pluck petals off flowers.

How many more shades of gray are allowed in France, where children recite, "She loves me a little, a lot, passionately, madly, or not at all."

Photo by Robert Mapplethorpe

"We Americans do not like ambiguity. We need to know where things are going; we do not like not knowing. Because rather than setting things in motion, we prefer to set things in stone with clear objectives, goals, and outcomes.

 Is he my soulmate or my future husband? Does he love me or does he love me not?

We gag the life out of experiences that might not lead to marriage but would still ripen one’s sensibilities.

How about you? Are you willing to contemplate or accept an experience that doesn’t necessarily go anywhere in particular, but that is still an essential part of love, sex, and being human?"

- Debra Ollivier

The Social Media Maze

INSTAGRAM! You fuck with my head! With you, my values become skewed, my self-worth is whacked, and I lose my tether on what's real.

A story: I have an acquaintanceship with a mentor who is well-known in the public field and whose opinion I greatly value.

I included her on my email announcing the opening of Flow and she very quickly and kindly wrote me a warm, supportive, and personal response. I mean, wow! So nice of her! How long did that good feeling last? Under 30 seconds, for sure. Because I was already grabbing my phone to see if she also followed me on Instagram. She didn't.

She knows me, supports me, encourages me - why the hell do I care so much if she follows me on Instagram? THAT'S not the real sign of affection - the genuine interest she has continuously shown in me is what's real. And, yet ... I fixate on that lack of follow.

What would it mean if she did follow me? That she publicly validates me? That I'm cool? Is that what's important to me?

Here I go again: Falling into the external validation trap. I bet you guys can relate. How easily we hand over the reins of our own self-worth to these arbitrary key holders. And we take personally what most likely has nothing to do with us. She probably doesn't even manage her own social media.

Again & again, I have to catch these moments and actively seek out the positive feelings. She wrote me! She sees me! My eyes well, my chest smiles, I breathe deeper. For me, THIS is what's important and THIS is what's real.

​How about you? Tips on navigating the social media maze? What comes up for you?

Art by Blanca Miró Skoudy

The Negativity Bias in Our Brains

NEGATIVITY BIAS: To survive and pass on their genes, our ancestors needed to be especially aware of dangers, threats, and conflicts. Consequently, the brain evolved a negativity bias that looks for bad news, reacts intensely to it, and quickly stores the experience in our neural structure.

See, it's not just you with those negative voices in your head. We all have brains with a hair-trigger readiness to go negative to help us survive.

We can still be happy, but this bias creates an ongoing vulnerability to stress, anxiety, disappointment, and hurt.

The remedy is to foster simple, positive experiences — and to really take them in so they become a permanent part of us.

Photo by Jim Mangan

Watching a sunset? Dog lying at your feet? Parking meter up and you didn't get a ticket?

Open to the positive feelings and try to sense them in your body; let them fill your mind. Enjoy them. As if you were a sponge, absorb the experience as much as you can. Soak it into your bones, into your nerves, into your heart, your organs.

This is how we begin to change the wiring in our brains.

Ideas by Rick Hanson

February: Attend to the Heart

February is the month when we consciously review what touches our hearts. The heart is the central place where we learn about love and what is truly meaningful for us. When we are at home in our hearts, love and gratefulness always increase. ⁣ ⁣

Photo by Ata Kando

Who have been the teachers of your heart in the past? What are you currently learning about love? ⁣ ⁣

Want to open your heart and expand your capacity for love and gratitude? Read on! ❤️ ⁣

HAND ON HEART EXERCISE ⁣ Simply place your hand on your heart and breathe gently into your heart center. Feel the warmth spreading between your palm and your chest. If you wish, breathe in a sense of ease or safety into your heart. Then remember one moment, just one moment, when you felt safe, loved and cherished by another person. Not the entire relationship, just one moment. This could be a friend, a child, a therapist; it could be a spiritual figure; it could be a pet. Let yourself feel the feeling of that moment, let the feeling wash through your body, and try to stay there for 20 or 30 seconds. ⁣ ⁣

When we do this exercise, the warm, safe touch of our hand on our heart center begins to activate the release of Oxytocin, the brain’s hormone of calm and connection, bonding and belonging. Warm, safe touch anywhere that feels comfortable on our body can release Oxytocin, but there are neural cells around the heart that communicate directly with the brain and more quickly begin the activation of the release.⁣

⁣How do you feel? Physical … Blood pressure goes down, heart rate stabilizes, the walls of your arteries soften, there’s a slowing down. Emotional … This is how LOVE feels. ⁣ ⁣

And you don’t even need anyone else to give it to you! You have an unending capacity to give yourself love and to activate this physical contentment in your own body. Whenever You Need It!⁣ ⁣

LOVING KINDNESS PRACTICE BY JACK KORNFIELD⁣ ⁣

Through the words I say try to develop the feeling, the spirit, the thoughts of loving kindness for yourself.⁣ ⁣

May I be filled with lovingkindness⁣

May my heart open with kindness & peace⁣

You deserve it – all beings do⁣

May I be filled with the spirit of loving kindness

May I be peaceful⁣

Feel a compassion for yourself – for your struggles & sorrows. ⁣

May my heart open & may I touch this sorrow with compassion & lovingkindness⁣ ⁣

Now think of someone you love a lot. Bring them in & share the feeling. May they too be filled with lovingkindness. May their hearts open, be happy. Feel a compassion for their sorrows & struggles. Feel how much you love them. And would help them. May they be filled with lovingkindness & peace.⁣

⁣Let another person or two into your heart that you love. ⁣ Let it grow bigger.⁣ May they be happy and their hearts open.⁣ ⁣ Let yourself open further. Let in all your friends, people you love. May they all come into your heart. May they all be happy & filled with lovingkindness. ⁣ ⁣

Let it grow further. Let that spirit fill the room. Let there be a field of lovingkindness so that all lives can be received with this heart – open, compassionate, loving & free. ⁣ ⁣

Feel it get bigger than the room. Let it grow in every direction. In front, behind. To the left & to the right. Above & below. Fill the whole of the earth as if you could cover the earth with your feelings of lovingkindness. ⁣ ⁣

Picture the earth as a ball that you could take into your arms & heart. All of the oceans & continents & the multitude of beings – the whales, fishes, birds, insects, the trees, the jungles, deserts, the people. Hold that earth with the heart of lovingkindness and compassion. ⁣ ⁣

May all beings be touched by the heart of lovingkindness. May all beings, those newly born, those in pleasure, those struggling in sorrow, those dying, those in between. May every creature & being be touched & opened and healed by the force of lovingkindness and compassion. ⁣ ⁣

And may the power of our heart & our goodness & our love bring that light to the world and bring freedom to our lives & those of all beings.⁣

In the Flow

Being in the FLOW state, or “in the zone.” You’re completely involved in what you’re doing. Everything goes automatically without thinking. You’re focused, concentrated, there’s a sense of ecstasy, of being outside everyday reality. Great inner clarity - knowing what needs to be done and how to do it. Nothing else seems to matter. Timelessness, hours seem to pass by in minutes. Concentration is so intense that there’s no attention left to think about other problems. Self-consciousness disappears. You’re not worrying about stupid things, regretting what you did yesterday, stressing about what you’ll do tomorrow.

When I say FLOW I also think about upstream and downstream effort in your life. Upstream, when you're kicking so hard against a current and exhausting yourself to no avail. Downstream, when you stop fighting so hard and let the current naturally carry you. Do you know this upstream feeling I describe? When you're working way too hard to make something go the way you want, but it’s just not flowing smoothly. Versus letting go of the "This is what I want, this is how it should be" and allowing to happen whatever is naturally occurring.

Can you feel the relief in that! It gets easier. It might not be what you *thought* you wanted, but when you notice yourself working and trying too hard, just take your hands off the wheel and let go of the push. Something will happen. Not sure what, but something will - it always does.

Photo by Eliot Porter