"The ability to know that your perceptions are accurate has to happen without others' validation. Intuition is not the result of diet, rituals, or wind chimes. It's the natural consequence of having self-esteem, the greatest power you can have. With self-esteem, your life can broaden into an adventure because you can know in your gut that you can handle the unknown." Caroline Myss
Need some help building your self-esteem? Come in ~ We have ideas!
Painting made for us with ❤️ by David Cox
illustration by Quibe
I’ve been thinking about the ways we heal on our own, the internal “work” that only we can do. It's no doubt, the most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
However, and maybe this rant stems from the staunch individualism of this country and so much of the avoidant commitment issues I see in LA, I also believe there are certain lessons we can only learn *in relation* with other people.
It’s confusing, though, because both are true: (1) We have to learn to love ourselves and be ok on our own before we can truly step into a healthy relationship and (2) The stability of a secure relationship (with friend, family, intimate partner, or community) creates a safe container that allows this individual work to flourish.
There is also truth to some people feeling they don’t need to be in relation with others in order to achieve their full potential - that their safety & security can be found through art, nature, animals, spirituality.
The following are just some ideas... Let me know what I’ve missed!
Healing on Your Own (Lessons to Learn):
- Quieting your mind
- Not comparing yourself to others
- Self-love & acceptance
- Relationship with spirituality
- Joy, gratitude, contentedness
- Individual meaning, purpose
- Perfectionism
- I’m not good enough / not worthy
- Shame
Healing in Relation (Lessons to Learn):
- Communication
- Intimacy & Vulnerability
- Allowing yourself to be loved / Receiving love
- Trusting another
- Partnership / Compromise / Acceptance of another person
- Sexuality
- Dependence / Interdependence
- Surrender / Letting go of control
Yes, building a healthy relationship can start with a therapist. Call us!
What's the #1 most important, most effective tool we recommend for finding contentment & ease?
☞ MEDITATION ☜
That inner place of silence is your source of true power and intuition. The more often you go to your source, the easier it is to return and the longer you can stay.
You can meditate in many different ways - eyes open or closed, while moving or sitting. If you think you "can't" meditate, we'd love to help you.
Art by Christina Bothwell
Our brains are not used to this practice and so it may feel uncomfortable at first, but you may just need some simple instruction.
How about giving these a try?
Mindfulness Meditation:
The brain wants something to hold on to. So, give it something! Your breath is the perfect anchor.
Repeat silently to yourself "In" on the inhale and "Out" on the exhale. Over & over & over again. It becomes calming, like a metronome.
With your brain suitably distracted, that voice in your head will naturally soften and quiet. When you start to drift into thinking, just gently come back to your "In" and "Out."
This kind of meditation can leave you feeling spacious, floaty, relaxed. Try it on your own for 3 or 5 minutes, working your way up to 10.
Or try a guided meditation. These are a bit different, but have similar effects. Our favorite is by Tara Brach, though hers tend to be a bit long for beginners.
Bodyfulness Meditation:
This kind of meditation involves lighting up your physical body. These practices are less about the floaty, spacious head feeling and more like a ZAP! to your body. You will be creating positive energy in your body, which leaves your whole system buzzing, vibrating, and feeling alive.
These meditations move your attention through the different energy centers in your body. Starting at the base of your spine and moving up the column to the top of your head, each center helps you connect to your body and activate key areas of your personal power - your creativity, sexuality, authentic truth, intuition, compassion, spirituality, wisdom, sense of belonging, grounding.
By focusing your attention on these areas, you are bringing the intention to strengthen them. And it feels great! Like you're lit up from within.
Try our favorites on Insight Timer: "Journey through the Chakras" by Amrit Yoga Institute, "Chakra Lights" by Estelle Godsman and "7 Color Rays Meditation" by Arielle Hecht.
It makes sense that the way we were cared for as babies influences the way we behave in later relationships. Attachment Theory has identified three main styles in which people approach intimacy in romantic relationships: Secure, Anxious, and Avoidant.
Art by René Margritte - The Lovers/ 1928
Basically, secure people feel comfortable with intimacy and are usually warm and loving; anxious people crave intimacy, are often preoccupied with their relationships, and tend to worry about their partner's ability to love them back; avoidant people equate intimacy with a loss of independence and constantly try to minimize closeness.
Initially it was assumed that these attachment styles were primarily a product of our upbringing. But how about the major impact our adult romantic relationships have had on us? Dating and relationships are hard and can be traumatizing. They can also be incredibly healing. Thus, our attachment styles can change as a result of these experiences.
Which attachment style do you identify with? Hint: If you're "anxious," you may be attracted to "avoidants" and vice-versa, often resulting in an unhealthy cycle for both parties.
If you don't resonate with either of the others, default to "secure."
Avoidant Attachment
≫ Describes Me? ≪
My independence is more important to me than my relationships
I miss my partner when we're apart, but then when we're together I feel the need to escape
My partners often want me to be more intimate than I feel comfortable being
I sometimes feel angry or annoyed with my partner without knowing why
I prefer casual sex with uncommitted partners to intimate sex with one person
I hate feeling that other people depend on me
≫ Describes My Partner / The People I'm Attracted To? ≪
Value their independence greatly - "My work takes up so much time there's no room for relationship" Plans are left unclear, like when you will meet again, move in together. Send mixed signals
Have difficulty talking about what's going on between you. Certain topics are off-limits
During a disagreement, need to get away - get up and walk out
Have an unrealistically romantic view of how a relationship should be
≫ Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or in the people you're attracted to? ≪
Anxious Attachment
≫ Describes Me? ≪
I think about my relationships a lot
I tend to get very quickly attached to a romantic partner
I am very sensitive to my partner's moods
I often worry that my partner will stop loving me or that I'm not attractive enough
When I'm not involved in a relationship, I feel somewhat anxious & incomplete
≫ Describes My Partner / The People I'm Attracted To? ≪
They worry about rejection - Ask a lot of questions about your past partners
Try hard to please you. Let you set the tone in the relationship
Want a lot of closeness - want to spend all your time together
Suspicious you may be unfaithful. Hypervigilant about your whereabouts
Take things very personally - you come home tired and don't want to talk = "You don't love me anymore"
They are preoccupied with the relationship - call or text a lot, hash out every detail of your dates with their friends
≫ Do you recognize any of these behaviors in yourself or in the people you're attracted to? ≪
Ideas from "Attached" by Amir Levine
Things we're hearing about a lot these days:
- Herpes : How & when to tell new partner?
- Male sexual performance anxiety
- Endless texting with no concrete plans being made
- People who are unwilling / unable to commit to a relationship
Photo by Olivier Abry
- Being attracted to people who are unwilling / unable to commit to a relationship
- Self-sabotaging behaviors just when things start to feel good
- Over responsibility of others' emotions & needs
- Loneliness
- "I should feel happy, but I don't"
- Feeling blue for no reason
- I have a lot of friends but don't feel close to anyone
- Overthinking, overworked, overbooked, overtired, overconsuming